First Night Away...

Lauren,

Tomorrow night will be my first time ever being away from you overnight. Even though we may not sleep in the same room every night, we are under the same roof. I can run to you or peek in just to check up on you. Your grandma has asked me a few times to keep you overnight but I never had to courage to have you far away from me.

You are now 15 months and I need to learn to let you be a big girl. I know you'll be in good hands with your grandma but I still worry about you and I also worry about myself. I worry that you might not sleep well. I worry that you'll be looking for me and I won't be there. I worry that I won't be able to enjoy a short trip away with your Daddy because I'll miss you too much. I worry that something might happen to me. I can't help it but want to be with you.

I will try to have a good time and you be a good little girl. Have fun, play, eat, sleep and just remember that I love you to the ends of the world and back. I love you more than life itself, and regardless of what happens, I will find a way to be with you.

I love you always.

Mommy

15 Months

Lauren,

Yesterday on 10/15, you turned 15 months. I sang happy birthday to you and you loved it. I still remember the look on your face as you gazed at the burning candle we lit together.

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Yesterday at 7pm was Wave of Light night. I pulled out my special 'Mom' candle that I received from Auntie Michelle and your cousin Lillian for my very 1st Mother's Day. We lit up the candle not to only celebrate your 15 months, but to also remember all of the babies and angels that are in heaven. I said a prayer for baby Naya and baby Avery. I said a prayer for all of the parents who are not able to hug and hold their angels as I was holding you in my arms tighly last night. I am so blessed to have you.

We then went upstairs with your slumber frog buddy and laid on my bed and looked up at the stars and moon on the ceiling with the most serene melody. It was truly a magical moment. I believe as our candle was lit and as we looked up to the stars, all the angels are smiling down at us. I love you so much Lauren.

I love you always.

Mommy

Sleep

Lauren!

Mommy is so excited!. So, on Sunday night, Daddy co-slept with you and guess what you did? You slept through the entire night! I'm so proud! Recently, I've been co-sleeping with you much more frequently so I was a bit bummed to miss this first, but happy that Daddy got to experience it with you. You didn't wake up until 6am which then he got you a bottle cause I'm sure you were hungry from not drinking milk in the middle of the night. He thought it was a fluke, or maybe he didn't hear you trying to wake up. So...Mommy had to try for myself and see.

Las night, I co-slept with you expecting for you to wake up in the middle of the night. When my alarm clock went off at 6am, I realized that you had slept through the entire night! Woohoo!!! I got up to get ready for work and Mommy and Daddy didn't try to feed you until about 7am when we had to get you ready to be dropped off at Grandma's.

I am so so so proud of you! You are such a big girl now. I know it took nearly 15 months for you to sleep through the night but you are doing it! Congratulations Mommy's big baby girl!

I love you and I'm so proud of you. Please try to keep it up!

Love,
Mommy

Need

Lauren,

Simply put, I need you. More than you will ever know. More than you need me. I need you now and forever.

I love you always.

Mommy

Hi's and No-No's

I just realized that I've been writing about a lot of bad incidents lately so I thought I'd write about your latest development. It is sooo cute!!!

You love to say 'hi'! People are amazed that you are only 14 months and know how to say hi. You say it to everyone! Language has always been your strong point. Then you also like to say no and no no. I'll sometimes ask questions like, "Do you like this person?" and you'll say "no." It's funny but cute nonetheless.

I've been letting you play in the tub before you go to bed and you love playing in the water. I need to take more pictures and record you. You are growing up too fast.

I love you always.

Mommy

So scary...

Lauren,

Mommy avoided writing to you about this because it really scared me. Last Thursday 9/30, I wasn't feeling well and closed my eyes on grandma's sofa. Grandma was at the sink doing something or cooking something in the kitchen. You and Makeala were playing in the nook as usual. Grandpa has been very forgetful for a long time so when he went outside in the backyard, he forgot to close the sliding glass door. When I opened my eyes and didn't see you or Makeala, I freaked out. I stopped breathing for a moment. I rushed out and saw Makeala right in the patio area. But you, you were a little bit closer to the pond and I ran to you and grabbed you and hugged you back inside the house. I can't imagine anything bad happening to you. You are my everything.

As it turns out, I brought this to you aunt and uncle's attention since Grandpa has been forgetting another couple of times over the last few days. It didn't go very well. There was some confrontation between your uncle and Grandma. I didn't want any confrontations but I can't afford to not take preventative measures to keep you safe. All in all, they locked the sliding glass door and now Grandpa has to go through the garage to the side of the house to get to the backyard. I feel much better about your safety.

I will do anything for you. Anything. I love you always.

Mommy

Ouch!

Lauren,

Mommy was sooo bad. Last Saturday night before you went to bed, I changed your diaper and left you on the bed to go wash my hands. I don't know what I was thinking. You normally just stay there when you're tired and sleepy, but I should have known that you would roll around or try to walk off. I looked in the mirror and saw you sitting up, only you were at the very edge of the bed. I turned around and you looked at me and I looked at you saying "Oh My God" a million times as I rushed over to try to catch you but knew that I wouldn't be able to make it in time. You fell off the bed backwards and your little body bounced. I grabbed you from the floor and hugged you so tightly as you cried. I nearly cried myself. Mommy was so so stupid. You have separation anxiety worser than ever and I should have known that you would try to come to me. I am so so so sorry. After Daddy calmed you down, I took you to sleep with me in your bedroom where your bed is much lower. I still sometimes see you falling off and I get so angry with myself.

I love you so much and would hate for anything bad to happen to you. You are my everything.

On another note, I've been letting you go diaper-free here and there. You're starting to realize that if you pee, there will be water on the floor and you'll want to play with it, which you do. I think it's funny but it is quite dirty. I get a good laugh out of it.

I love you always.

Mommy.