Bump

I feel so bad. Yep, another bump. I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and Lauren was sitting on the sofa. As I glanced over, I saw you start to tumble backwards and my heart stopped. I raced to you but already knew that I wouldn't catch you in time. I watched you fall on your head and it was heart wrenching.

I grabbed you my baby and hugged you as you cried painful tears. I rubbed your forehead and cursed at myself.

You allowed me to ice your head and it's a bit better but still painful to see. I hope it goes away soon. Your Daddy assured me you're ok.

It's been a bit tough with you being sick and thank God you're feeling better. It seems like its always one thing or another.

I love you so much Lauren. I love you always.

Compassion

Lauren,

You are the most compassionate 18 month baby. Two weeks ago, we took your grandma to the doctors. As the doctor was examining her, you stood there watching his every move. Your smiled started turning upside down, you lips quivered. You eyes got red and teary and slowly the tears rolled down your cheeks. You waited for the doctor to finish and went to grandma to be held. Two days ago, we went to the doctors again and the same thing happened.

You are protective, you care, you love and you are compassionate. You don't like seeing others get hurt or probed. You look and observe with the most curious mind. You want everything to be ok. You are too sweet and compassionate.

I love you...always.

Mommy

18 months and you are too cute

Lauren,

Yesterday, you turned 18 months and we went to have lunch with Daddy. You ran around on the grass next to the pyramid like there's no cares in the world, just laughing and running and being tipsy. You bring me so much joy! You sometimes force your laughter and I have to admit, it sounds a bit wicked. You somehow grew up right before my eyes and you're a big toddler now.

Update:
Still on the bottle and sippy cup
Size 3 diapers
Size 4-5 shoes
Size 18 months clothing
19 lbs 6 ounces, you have never reached 20 lbs...so skinny
You eat a lot!
You poop a lot, too!
You play with Pookie
You love love love the IPad, IPod Touch, IPhone
You love Blueberries!
You love to dance and sway your little hips
You love to splash water
You love being sung to...Happy Birthday is your favorite song
You love "If you're happy and you know it..."
Your favorite books are Spot in the Park and Elmo's Puppies!
You love being tickled
You hate taking medicine
You started biting your right wrist for some reason
You eased off on pulling the couple of strands of hair that you have
You still love sucking on your two left fingers, the middle and ring fingers
You pull off your socks all the time
You do not like the blanket on you...you'll manage to kick it off
You know your hands, feet, eyes, nose, ears, hair and belly button
You know how to say your age in Khmer and Vietnamese
You like to say 1,2,3 in Vietnamese, Khmer, and English and ABC in English
You're a daredevil!
You love being chased...I hope that stays the same 20 years from now

Happy 18th month baby girl.

Mommy loves you always.

I Pray

I pray daily that God will keep you safe. I cannot be besides you every single second of every single minute of every single day. I pray that God will keep you safe for me, take care of you for me cause I know that he loves you more than me. I beg him to spare my child from harm, from hurt. The world is so scary and it's truly not good enough for our children today.

I love you so much and I want you to be happy and healthy. I would be content with that.

I love you always,

Mommy

Almost all the reasons I love you

Why almost? Because I'm sure there are more reasons I love you than I know.

I love you because:

You are you, and you are perfect to me.
You are pure, sweet, smart and innocent.
You love me just the way I am, with and without makeup, with bad morning breath, with my imperfections.
You hug me tightly.
You kiss me with love and for no reason.
You are my blessing from above.
You laugh like you're on vacation every day. Sometimes it even sounds wicked.
You dance like nobody's watching.
You talk like you're understood.
You're a good eater.
You are the bravest little girl I know.
You don't mind my terrible cooking.
You always say yum even when I know it's not.
You don't mind the pieces I think are missing from you life. I wish you had another grandpa. Damn him.
Your smile is infectious.
You never stay mad too long.
Your curiousity for the world.
The way you look at me.
You are my hero.

Letting Go

One year, I went to Women of Faith and the theme hit me dead on...Let go. Let Go and Let God.

I've come a long way and there's still obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb, but I'm progressing.

You see, my personality hangs on to things, ideas, memories, perfection and letting go has always been hard. I tried to please others, make sure they are happy. When something went wrong, I understood that it would bother me and let it run it's course. The older I get, the more I realize that I don't need to please others. I only need to please the Lord. I need to let go.

I hang onto memories. My infamous phrase is "I remember when..." Ask my nieces, nephews, cousins, husband. They will all tell you the same thing. I'm doing the same with Lauren. I remember when she was just a baby. I remember walking into the hospital at 2am on 7/15/11 barely able to make it because the contractions hurt so bad. I remember the bed shaking as the nurse tried to put an IV in my arm. I remember the hours of labor, the moment Lauren entered the world, looking up at the light can with her reflection and hearing her cry. I remember crying myself from the happiness of becoming a mother to a beautiful child. I remember the moment she was in my arms and breastfeeding her for the first time. I remember falling so deeply in love.

There I go again, but these are the moments I live for.

I am learning to relax a bit more being Lauren's mom. She tests my limits and I try not to freak out as she climbs onto the back of the sofa and freestands. I let Pookie lick Lauren's face. I watch as Lauren lays on the floor and licks the fridge and walls. I let her experience pushing buttons on the fridge/oven/dishwasher, splashing water, grabbing dirt, feeling lotion, running free, swinging, dancing, and everything else in between. Lauren fascinates me everyday with the person is she becoming and the things that she does.

What I need to let go is of the baby that Lauren was and embrace the toddler that she is. This has been the hardest part for me. I guess somewhere, somehow, she will always be my baby in some way. I watch her as she watches the world. I'm learning that I can only watch her so much and then I have to let her go, let her be in God's hands and let her be her.

In the end, all that matters is that I am Lauren's mom. That's it - Lauren's mom and I'm going to do the best that I can. I give her love and more love, raise her with hugs and kisses, and I know she will be ok. I don't have to be perfect. We are perfect for each other.

I love you always.