Letting Go

One year, I went to Women of Faith and the theme hit me dead on...Let go. Let Go and Let God.

I've come a long way and there's still obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb, but I'm progressing.

You see, my personality hangs on to things, ideas, memories, perfection and letting go has always been hard. I tried to please others, make sure they are happy. When something went wrong, I understood that it would bother me and let it run it's course. The older I get, the more I realize that I don't need to please others. I only need to please the Lord. I need to let go.

I hang onto memories. My infamous phrase is "I remember when..." Ask my nieces, nephews, cousins, husband. They will all tell you the same thing. I'm doing the same with Lauren. I remember when she was just a baby. I remember walking into the hospital at 2am on 7/15/11 barely able to make it because the contractions hurt so bad. I remember the bed shaking as the nurse tried to put an IV in my arm. I remember the hours of labor, the moment Lauren entered the world, looking up at the light can with her reflection and hearing her cry. I remember crying myself from the happiness of becoming a mother to a beautiful child. I remember the moment she was in my arms and breastfeeding her for the first time. I remember falling so deeply in love.

There I go again, but these are the moments I live for.

I am learning to relax a bit more being Lauren's mom. She tests my limits and I try not to freak out as she climbs onto the back of the sofa and freestands. I let Pookie lick Lauren's face. I watch as Lauren lays on the floor and licks the fridge and walls. I let her experience pushing buttons on the fridge/oven/dishwasher, splashing water, grabbing dirt, feeling lotion, running free, swinging, dancing, and everything else in between. Lauren fascinates me everyday with the person is she becoming and the things that she does.

What I need to let go is of the baby that Lauren was and embrace the toddler that she is. This has been the hardest part for me. I guess somewhere, somehow, she will always be my baby in some way. I watch her as she watches the world. I'm learning that I can only watch her so much and then I have to let her go, let her be in God's hands and let her be her.

In the end, all that matters is that I am Lauren's mom. That's it - Lauren's mom and I'm going to do the best that I can. I give her love and more love, raise her with hugs and kisses, and I know she will be ok. I don't have to be perfect. We are perfect for each other.

I love you always.